OTTAWA — The National Hockey League announced on Tuesday that the Ottawa Senators are formally changing their name to the Ottawa Dictators to mark Canada's historic descent from being a democracy to being a dictatorship ruled by Trudeau.
"The People's Republic of Canada must shed the last vestiges of culture that celebrated freedom," said Supreme Emperor of the North Trudeau. "Ottawa's beloved team will be renamed as a tribute to my magnificent greatness!"
At his words, an army of Royal
Mounties shouted "HAIL TRUDEAU!" and performed the new Trudeau
Salute.
In addition to the name
change, the team will also adopt Justin Trudeau as their official mascot. The
mascot costume will come in two varieties: standard and blackface.
Gerald Puckington, the team's owner, was excited to unveil the team's new name along with the NHL Commissioner. "We recognize that our old name was offensive because our fans couldn't identify with the idea of elected representation anymore. But Canadians can really rally behind a dictator, eh?"
Despite Puckington's
confidence, sources reveal a survey of hockey fans shows they oppose the name
change, saying it reminds them too much of the oppressive world they currently
live in.
"I'm so tired of politics
getting into hockey," said longtime Senators fan Benjamin Kidadl. "So
much propaganda. I need time to forget about the world and watch a dangler
skate around a hoser at the gongshow, eh?"
The Ottawa Dictators are
expected to assassinate their opponents with athletic oppression and
totalitarian body checks when they take to the ice this October.
The
Babylon Bee, 22-2-2022
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